Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The Sun comes through this week with four prophecies that they say will come true this year. I split off the prediction of Doris Day's death as a candidate for Meanest Story of the Week, and here are the three others.

First: Obama Election bombshell as U.S. economy collapses

It's hard to have a bombshell eleven months before the votes are cast, but let's take a watch and wait attitude.

Elvis: new autopsy shows how The King really died.

He died at the age of 42, grotesquely fat and drugged out of his mind.

Any questions?

Fatima - Angel reveals fourth prophecy secrets

There were only three prophecies and three kids at Fatima.

Technically, this one doesn't say anything specific, but I will check in on New Year's Day to see if we know anything new about Obama's re-election campaign or Elvis Presley's pathetic demise.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



You thought birther crap was dead, didn't you? It's merely resting, according to the Globe and Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the publicity hound pinhead who let Steven Seagal run over some suspect's dog with a tank.



And other than the consistent disregard for the law, why is the background of America's Toughest Sheriff's picture pink?



Just asking.



Here are the headlines.

• Tough talking sheriff investigates PHONY birth certificate
• Sheriff Joe Arapaio
• Will he be impeached?
  
  

I don't know if sheriffs can be impeached. I think they have to be recalled, or better yet, tried for criminal behavior and with their fat ass thrown in jail.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Globe tells us that Barack Hussein Montgomery Clift Obama cannot hold his liquor and has collapsed after a booze binge. According to the headline, rehab is the secret behind his recent $5 million vacation.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Sun

Date: 22 August 2011



Usually, I don't print anything from the Sun unless there are specific dates which can be checked, but this week's story about the government death map had a picture of popular tabloid target Barack Elvis Obama and the beginning paragraphs of the story on the cover instead of just a few headlines.



I am reporting on this because of a single phrase I wanted to quote, the detail that this map of where disasters are most likely to strike was compiled by "respected civil engineers, gifted psychics and Bible scholars".



How can you not feel comforted here about a talented line-up like that working on the government dime?

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Publication: Globe

Date: 22 August 2011



The Globe, trying to get on the right wing outrage bandwagon, tells us that the president's fiftieth birthday party was a drunken bacchanal with "dirty dancing", thrown WHILE AMERICA SUFFERS. Inside, they promise THE OUTRAGE.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

Ever since Clinton, the gossip rags have loved writing that the presidential marriage is in trouble, especially the Globe and the low rent Examiner. This week, Michelle has had enough and she is now living a life apart from Barack Hussein Lothario Obama.

The low rent Examiner and the Sun are the only two of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter that don't have online versions. This is because both are made on the cheap. Still, we are supposed to believe the low rent Examiner is able to dig up scoops on two of the best protected people on the planet.

The Sun only expects us to believe in the End of the World about six times a year and there's a Bat Boy who was found in a cave.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

If we were to accept the word from the AMI kennel, Michelle Obama is constantly in a raging bad mood, the American equivalent of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• Hates life in the White House
• Shocking fights with Prez
  

On their website, they add the detail that she is moving out and taking the girls back to Chicago with her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: People
Date: 20 June 2011

Father's Day is next weekend, but People decided to put a cover story about Barack Hussein Huxtable Obama's tenure as a good father.

Whatever anyone thinks of him politically, I think his record as a father so far is exemplary, thank you very much. Some might say his girls are too young to get into trouble and I might concede that point.

I might, but look at how old the Palin girls are and they are already showing signs of being white hot messes.

I wish the president and his family a very happy Father's Day next Sunday and hope with all my heart that this is the last time his girls get mentioned in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter until they graduate high school, graduate college, get married and have babies, hopefully in that order.

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