Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Sun didn't have a useful headline this week, but it was close. It said Nostradamus had predictions for 2012, but it gave nothing specific on the cover and I don't open these magazines up.

On the other hand, the Weekly World News did have a headline worth reporting, a story about O.J. Simpson's "hush-hush" wedding inside prison. The sub-headline reads "You'll never guess who the bride is!"

Again, I didn't open the magazine up, but factoring in that it's reported in the Weekly World News, my guess would be the bride is O.J.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

As a long time fan of the Weekly World News, I hope to see them return to their glory days.

As a Bay Area football fan, I feel much the same about the 49ers and the Raiders.

What the WWN needs is another great recurring character like Bat Boy back in the 1980's or the alien that endorses presidential candidates from the 1990s, a character used to this day.

The exploding greedy squirrel, alas, will not be that character.

As for what the Raiders and 49ers need, it's probably new ownership.

Also alas.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The Sun comes through this week with four prophecies that they say will come true this year. I split off the prediction of Doris Day's death as a candidate for Meanest Story of the Week, and here are the three others.

First: Obama Election bombshell as U.S. economy collapses

It's hard to have a bombshell eleven months before the votes are cast, but let's take a watch and wait attitude.

Elvis: new autopsy shows how The King really died.

He died at the age of 42, grotesquely fat and drugged out of his mind.

Any questions?

Fatima - Angel reveals fourth prophecy secrets

There were only three prophecies and three kids at Fatima.

Technically, this one doesn't say anything specific, but I will check in on New Year's Day to see if we know anything new about Obama's re-election campaign or Elvis Presley's pathetic demise.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

For the second time in 2011, the Sun has a set of predictions supposed to occur this year that includes a Brave Last Days alert. In June, they said a weeping statue would herald Billy Graham going home to heaven, and now they say Doris Day wants your prayers in her Sad Last Days.

If it's any consolation to either Mr. Graham or Ms. Day, as bad as the tabloid vultures are at predicting death, the Sun and their prophecies are even worse.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

Here is a story that shakes my faith and understanding of the universe. The Weekly World News has published a story that you can make yourself invisible like Harry Potter, which would mean some sort of invisibility cloak.

What rocks the foundations of my understanding is that this story actually has a grain of truth in in and has been reported in the legitimate U.K. publication the Telegraph.

This particular scientific advancement, while extraordinary, does not seem completely impossible to me. What I thought could never happen is the Weekly World News would print a story with a grain of truth in it.

Strange days indeed.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Weekly World News tells us this week that a woman has given birth to an alien baby after a Close Encounter of the Hubba Hubba Kind. The Weekly World News needs a new recurring character, especially since Bat Boy is now Bat Middle Aged Guy With A Beer Belly.

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Publication: Sun

Date: 5 September 2011



Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Sun does me the courtesy of a specific date for their latest gloom and doom, saying a Native American scroll shows that the Rapture, Armageddon, the Second Coming and several new disasters will be coming in the next 100 days, which if I counted it correctly means a due date of Saturday, December 3 of this year at the very latest.

Honestly, anything that might stop this jackass from becoming President of the United States would be an improvement.



I will probably still be here to report, oh me of little faith.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 29 August 2011



The Sun did predict the End of the World again this week (black hole this time), but no date given so it doesn't get a Skeeter Davis alert. On the other Hand, the Sun's Siamese twin the Weekly World News has the story of some Bible scholar who says David's nemesis Goliath was a midget.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 22 August 2011



The Weekly World News makes up a cute story about some women who practice polyandry and have decided to call their religion the Mor-woman Church.



Note: this picture of Miss Betty White has been included just because it was my favorite picture of a woman being waited on hand and foot I could find on the Web. She is not mentioned in the phony baloney story.

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Publication: Sun

Date: 22 August 2011



Usually, I don't print anything from the Sun unless there are specific dates which can be checked, but this week's story about the government death map had a picture of popular tabloid target Barack Elvis Obama and the beginning paragraphs of the story on the cover instead of just a few headlines.



I am reporting on this because of a single phrase I wanted to quote, the detail that this map of where disasters are most likely to strike was compiled by "respected civil engineers, gifted psychics and Bible scholars".



How can you not feel comforted here about a talented line-up like that working on the government dime?

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Publication: Sun

Date: 15 August 2011



Once again the Sun relies on everyone's favorite vague French 16th Century poet and prophet Michel de Nostradamus for several specific events that will happen on September 11, 2011.



Some folks might have wished he could be this accurate and specific ten years ago, but let's not cry over spilled milk, shall we?



On the tenth anniversary of the terror attack, we can expect these horrors and signs.

• Nuclear blast rocks U.S.
• Great depression
• Bin Laden seen alive!
• Lady Liberty speaks
• Antichrist is a woman!
  
  

I don't believe any of this stuff, but I will report back on September 12. If the last one is true, my money is on Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann, but that's just me.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 15 August 2011



The Weekly World News prints a true story on the cover for a change, that parts of the new eastern span of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge are made in China and shipped here.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 August 2011

Weekly World News brings back the politically astute Space Alien who endorses presidential candidates. The being from another planet is backing Michele Bachmann for president in 2012. The alien has a pretty good track record, endorsing Clinton in 1992 and Bush in 2000, but it should not be forgotten the alien first backed Ross Perot and then changed his mind, so a Bachmann presidency is not a done deal, thank Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus.

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Publication: Sun
1 August 2011

Once again, the Sun wants us to know we live in The End Times, even though people who take the Bible seriously shouldn't believe a word of this. They say there are seven deadly omens, but they only give three on the cover, so those are the only ones I include in this post.

• Worldwide riots
• Killer storms
• New great depression
  

Usually, I say I will report back at the time when these things are supposed to take place. Unlike most of the predictions, these are both common enough and vague enough that I expect at least one and maybe two of them to come true. After all, the Atlantic hurricane season has yet to take place and there are always deaths somewhere due to them, so "killer storms" is pretty much a lock. Riots are common enough and as for the word "depression" to describe the current economic mess, even Paul Krugman is using it now, though he calls it the Lesser Depression.

The only thing far fetched is that these events will be signs of the End Times. It's just the everyday crap we live with, so don't get all drama queen about it.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 August 2011

The Weekly World News is trying to work the old magic with a pretty lame photoshop of a CatDog.

I saw this cartoon. It kinda sucked. I mean, it's no Invader Zim.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This headline was almost good enough to make me open the magazine. The CIA is fighting terror using Ellen DeGeneres' cupcakes!

I looked online and, wonder of wonders, this story is almost true! It's actually MI6, the British intelligence agency, who replaced a sugar-based bomb instruction set with Ms. DeGeneres's cupcake recipe.

OMG, the Weekly World News almost tells the whole truth. I have to re-think all my pre-conceptions about Batboy and the alien who endorses presidential candidates now.

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Publication: Sun
Date: 11 July 2011

If you've been following this blog, you probably realize the name Nostradamus doesn't mean as much as it used to. Lots of alleged Nostradamus prophecies have come up craps in the past year and a half. So this time, the Sun uses NASA as the source of the latest doomsday scenario. An asteroid will hit the earth this November with the force of 65,000 atomic bombs.

On December 1, I expect to be here to report on whether this catastrophe happened or not.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 11 July 2011

The Weekly World News goes all New Testament on our butts this week, stating the sandals of John the Baptist have been found and they are healing the sick.

People familiar with the stories of John will recall he was kind of a wild street preacher, and paintings from the Middle Ages until today almost always depict him as barefooted, including this one I nicked off the Internet. Moreover, given the way he died, it's hard to believe the people who killed him took special care to preserve his garments.

Still, it's in the Weekly World News, so it must be true.

(Psych.)

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories this week from the Weekly World News, which is the first time since the beginning of last year they were allowed two headlines on the cover of the Sun. As you can read, the ghost of a dead cat saved a dying tot.

For the most part, living cats pretty much avoid tots, dying or otherwise, because these small humans do not understand the concept of "can opener". But if we believe this story, when cats become ghosts they evolve into more loving creatures with a deep regard for all living things.

In other words, when cats reach the next step in karmic consciousness, they become dogs.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

The Weekly World News has two headlines this week, which is a good thing because Nostradamus isn't giving any specific dates on the cover, so no Skeeter Davis Alert™. This week they say a Titanic survivor wants to be returned to her deserted island because "I can't stand another day of civilization!"

While I understand the sentiment, I would like to point out a few historical facts to the tabloid readers with double digit IQs.

1. The Titanic sunk in 1912, not 1997 when the movie was made.
2. The Titanic sunk in the frigid north Atlantic, not the balmy south Pacific. If any lifeboat made it to a deserted island, it would be a miserable, hard-scrabble existence like Shackelton, not a fun adventure like Robinson Crusoe or Gilligan's Island.

Sorry to spoil the fun with boring stuff like math and geography.

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