Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Sun didn't have a useful headline this week, but it was close. It said Nostradamus had predictions for 2012, but it gave nothing specific on the cover and I don't open these magazines up.

On the other hand, the Weekly World News did have a headline worth reporting, a story about O.J. Simpson's "hush-hush" wedding inside prison. The sub-headline reads "You'll never guess who the bride is!"

Again, I didn't open the magazine up, but factoring in that it's reported in the Weekly World News, my guess would be the bride is O.J.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

As a long time fan of the Weekly World News, I hope to see them return to their glory days.

As a Bay Area football fan, I feel much the same about the 49ers and the Raiders.

What the WWN needs is another great recurring character like Bat Boy back in the 1980's or the alien that endorses presidential candidates from the 1990s, a character used to this day.

The exploding greedy squirrel, alas, will not be that character.

As for what the Raiders and 49ers need, it's probably new ownership.

Also alas.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

Here is a story that shakes my faith and understanding of the universe. The Weekly World News has published a story that you can make yourself invisible like Harry Potter, which would mean some sort of invisibility cloak.

What rocks the foundations of my understanding is that this story actually has a grain of truth in in and has been reported in the legitimate U.K. publication the Telegraph.

This particular scientific advancement, while extraordinary, does not seem completely impossible to me. What I thought could never happen is the Weekly World News would print a story with a grain of truth in it.

Strange days indeed.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Weekly World News tells us this week that a woman has given birth to an alien baby after a Close Encounter of the Hubba Hubba Kind. The Weekly World News needs a new recurring character, especially since Bat Boy is now Bat Middle Aged Guy With A Beer Belly.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 29 August 2011



The Sun did predict the End of the World again this week (black hole this time), but no date given so it doesn't get a Skeeter Davis alert. On the other Hand, the Sun's Siamese twin the Weekly World News has the story of some Bible scholar who says David's nemesis Goliath was a midget.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 22 August 2011



The Weekly World News makes up a cute story about some women who practice polyandry and have decided to call their religion the Mor-woman Church.



Note: this picture of Miss Betty White has been included just because it was my favorite picture of a woman being waited on hand and foot I could find on the Web. She is not mentioned in the phony baloney story.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)

Date: 15 August 2011



The Weekly World News prints a true story on the cover for a change, that parts of the new eastern span of the San Francisco-Oakland Bay Bridge are made in China and shipped here.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 August 2011

Weekly World News brings back the politically astute Space Alien who endorses presidential candidates. The being from another planet is backing Michele Bachmann for president in 2012. The alien has a pretty good track record, endorsing Clinton in 1992 and Bush in 2000, but it should not be forgotten the alien first backed Ross Perot and then changed his mind, so a Bachmann presidency is not a done deal, thank Odin, Vishnu and the little baby Jebus.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 August 2011

The Weekly World News is trying to work the old magic with a pretty lame photoshop of a CatDog.

I saw this cartoon. It kinda sucked. I mean, it's no Invader Zim.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This headline was almost good enough to make me open the magazine. The CIA is fighting terror using Ellen DeGeneres' cupcakes!

I looked online and, wonder of wonders, this story is almost true! It's actually MI6, the British intelligence agency, who replaced a sugar-based bomb instruction set with Ms. DeGeneres's cupcake recipe.

OMG, the Weekly World News almost tells the whole truth. I have to re-think all my pre-conceptions about Batboy and the alien who endorses presidential candidates now.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 11 July 2011

The Weekly World News goes all New Testament on our butts this week, stating the sandals of John the Baptist have been found and they are healing the sick.

People familiar with the stories of John will recall he was kind of a wild street preacher, and paintings from the Middle Ages until today almost always depict him as barefooted, including this one I nicked off the Internet. Moreover, given the way he died, it's hard to believe the people who killed him took special care to preserve his garments.

Still, it's in the Weekly World News, so it must be true.

(Psych.)

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

Two stories this week from the Weekly World News, which is the first time since the beginning of last year they were allowed two headlines on the cover of the Sun. As you can read, the ghost of a dead cat saved a dying tot.

For the most part, living cats pretty much avoid tots, dying or otherwise, because these small humans do not understand the concept of "can opener". But if we believe this story, when cats become ghosts they evolve into more loving creatures with a deep regard for all living things.

In other words, when cats reach the next step in karmic consciousness, they become dogs.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 4 July 2011

The Weekly World News has two headlines this week, which is a good thing because Nostradamus isn't giving any specific dates on the cover, so no Skeeter Davis Alert™. This week they say a Titanic survivor wants to be returned to her deserted island because "I can't stand another day of civilization!"

While I understand the sentiment, I would like to point out a few historical facts to the tabloid readers with double digit IQs.

1. The Titanic sunk in 1912, not 1997 when the movie was made.
2. The Titanic sunk in the frigid north Atlantic, not the balmy south Pacific. If any lifeboat made it to a deserted island, it would be a miserable, hard-scrabble existence like Shackelton, not a fun adventure like Robinson Crusoe or Gilligan's Island.

Sorry to spoil the fun with boring stuff like math and geography.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 27 June 2011

While this does not reach the heights of "Bat Boy Found In Cave!", putting Noah's Ark and the Bermuda Triangle in the same story shows a little initiative from the Weekly World News writers and I applaud them for it.

They also added the tagline "And you'll never guess what they found on board!"

About that they are correct. I'll never guess.

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 20 June 2011

While the Obama administration is not touting the murder of Osama Bin Laden every chance they get, the AMI gossip rags are. This week, it's the Weekly World News telling us Al Qaeda wants to rename Setpember 11 "Osama Day".

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Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 13 June 2011

According to the Weekly World News, NASA is an incredibly well funded and efficient organization that has discovered amazing things about our neck of the solar system. This week, they have spotted a monument on Mars that looks remarkably like the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey.

I can understand the attraction of living in a world with such wonders. I just can't pay for the ticket to move there.

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