Publication: Globe
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Globe prints a story aimed at their couch potato target demographic. Lanisha Cole, a prize fondler fired from The Price Is Right, is suing for sexual harassment. The cover has pictures of Drew Carey and Ms. Cole, but Carey is not the actual target of the suit, the producers are. The Globe promises to have "bombshell court papers" inside.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

The Globe runs with a cover story that Paul McCartney and Doris Day had a love affair some 46 years ago. You can read the conversation Sir Paul had with Miss Day online from earlier this month that says he was a fan back in the day, an interview published by the reputable Telegraph from the U.K. No mention of fluid transfer is made.

The good news in this dishonest headline is that at least they aren't trying to bury Miss Day, which is the usual headline in the supermarket rags.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 29 Sept. 2011

In what shapes up to be a very mean week in the gossip rags, the Globe claims that two dead people were in fact murdered, though official causes say otherwise.

Russell Armstrong, widely reported to have committed suicide, was instead executed, according to the Globe.

Promising autopsy secrets and new evidence, the cover story also claims James Brown was assassinated while in the hospital.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 26 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Kate Middleton is neither the queen of Great Britain or the queen of the gossip rags just yet, but she's making a good run at it. This week, the Globe says wicked step-mother Camilla Parker-Bowles has had it up to here and will not accept Kate as queen, as if she has a choice. The headline continues with Camilla fleeing to America and demanding $20 million home here.

I'm not buying it. Not the story and obviously not the house.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

By my completely arbitrary standards, Eight Is Enough does not qualify as a show for Hey Old Timer gossip standing because it was not on the air when I graduated high school. Even so, it went off the air thirty years ago, so the Globe thought it would be just the kind of show their older target demographic would find interesting. Here are the headlines.

• Who almost died!
• Who lives in a trailer
• Plus: much, much more
  
  

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Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

If there is something amiss with a pop singer from the 1960s, with the possible exception of Cher the story will have to be in the Globe or the low rent Examiner, the two magazine that cater to the Hey Old Timer gossip demographic. This week, Welsh soul singer Tom Jones is said to have a heart drama and a shocking secret he is keeping from his fans.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

The Globe rehashes the story that Michelle Obama and Hillary Clinton are at each others' throats. Here are the headlines.

• Michelle Obama insults Hillary!
• It's war!
• First Lady's bitter outburst sparks tearful breakdown

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Publication: Globe
Date: 19 Sept. 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! According to the Globe, former commoner Kate Middleton has gotten in to the swing of what it means to be a British female royal person, because she is up in everyone's business. Here are the headlines.

• Kate attacks drunken Prince Harry
• You need rehab! - she rages

Things often change slowly in this world, but sometimes it's for the better. Last year, "Kate" on the cover of an American gossip rags meant Kate Gosselin. Now it's Kate Middleton. To my mind, that's a big improvement.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

The Globe publishes a true story on the cover about Libya dictator Moammar Gadhafi's obsession with Condoleezza. The sub-headline reads "Plus: Madman's SICK love letters to her".

It's a lot funnier when Princess Sparkle Pony writes about it.

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Publication: Globe
Date: 12 Sept. 2011

The Globe has one of those general guessing games on the front cover this week, with six faces surrounding the headline "Who Hates Who! Shocking fights and nasty insults" Obviously, the Globe knows that correct grammar would just insult and confuse its readership, which skews older and more Southern, so it decides not to write "Who hates whom!" (Quick rule I learned in school. Re-write a sentence using "he" or "him". Translate "he" to "who" and "him" to "whom".)

The pictures include Angelina Jolie making a rare appearance on the Globe cover, Kate Middleton, Danica Patrick, Kirstie Alley, Hillary Clinton and Joan Rivers.

I'm not sure this is fair, because I think nearly everybody hates Joan and Angelina.

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Publications: Globe, People

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



The magazines on the racks today will not be there a week from now on the tenth anniversary of the terror attacks of September 11 2011, but both Globe and People are doing tributes this week. The Globe went small, with just a tiny picture in the lower right hand corner, while People's more imaginative take is the main picture on the cover. Here are the headlines.

• Globe: 9/11 heroes We'll never forget
• People: Legacy of love
  
  The children of 9/11
  
  Portraits of hope
  
  Their fathers died that terrible day, before they were born.
  
  Today, those 10 kids and their moms have triumphed over tragedy.

Best wishes to those who lost loved ones on that day.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Sept. 2011



You thought birther crap was dead, didn't you? It's merely resting, according to the Globe and Sheriff Joe Arpaio, the publicity hound pinhead who let Steven Seagal run over some suspect's dog with a tank.



And other than the consistent disregard for the law, why is the background of America's Toughest Sheriff's picture pink?



Just asking.



Here are the headlines.

• Tough talking sheriff investigates PHONY birth certificate
• Sheriff Joe Arapaio
• Will he be impeached?
  
  

I don't know if sheriffs can be impeached. I think they have to be recalled, or better yet, tried for criminal behavior and with their fat ass thrown in jail.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids, the Enquirer, Globe and the low rent Examiner, have been the main carriers of headlines about Casey Anthony now that her trial is over and she has been found not guilty. The Globe headline reads "Auto used as Caylee's coffin crushed at junkyard!" To my mind, this says they are really stretching to find anything interested or new about the situation.



Casey is not quite in the top ten of popular cover stories of 2011, but it's possible she could get there before the end of the year.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The tabloids tell us someone is near death more than once a week on average and their prophecy record pretty much sucks. This week, three people on the Vulture List get stories that make it sound like they aren't ready to leave us just yet. Burt Reynolds might lose his house, Dick Van Dyke has a new lease on life with a girlfriend less than half his age and now Doris Day is said to be recording a new album, a story I found confirmed by other sources. The Globe says its her first album in 29 years, while the independent confirmation says she recorded one in 1994, which is only 17 years ago. Alleged "insiders" fear that the 87 year old singer and actress is only making this recording because she is going broke.



Stay classy, Globe.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



The Globe tells us that Barack Hussein Montgomery Clift Obama cannot hold his liquor and has collapsed after a booze binge. According to the headline, rehab is the secret behind his recent $5 million vacation.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, Us Weekly, Globe

Date: 5 Sept. 2011



Half of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have stories about the suicide death of Russell Armstrong last week. Armstrong was the estranged husband of Taylor Armstrong of the reality TV show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. Here are four of the headlines.

• OK!: Russell's suicide
  
  why he didn't have to die
• Globe: Curse of reality TV
  
  Shows blasted for tearing lives apart
• Weekly Life & Style: Taylor devastated by suicide
  
  The chilling episodes you'll never see
• Us Weekly: Reality suicide
  
  dark secrets exposed
  
  destroyed by their pursuit of fame

Let the record show that these gossip hounds say it's all reality TV's fault, as though the supermarket rags don't rely on reality TV for a large bulk of their stories. (To be fair to the Globe, because their audience skews older, they don't do reality TV gossip as much as the other mags on the list above.) There is one headline I didn't include because it's going to be in the running for Meanest Story of the Week.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 20 August 2011



The Globe has an exclusive interview with Patrick Swayze's mom two year after his death.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 29 August 2011



Globe put stripper turned bank robber Lee-Grace Dougherty on the cover this week, promising to tell the Dougherty Gang gal's violent secrets.



The only story that warranted more space on the cover of the Globe was Sarah Palin snorting coke. Of course, Sarah is a better known shady operator and almost all her money making schemes are legal as far as we know.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 29 August 2011



Welcome to gossip hell, Sophia Loren! The Globe says the international film star has had topless pictures taken recently at the age of 76. Anyone who saw Boy On A Dolphin, the 1957 movie she made when she was 23, already has a very good idea of what she looked like nekkid, and what she looked like was nothin' but fine, fine, FOINE!



Since the only other kind of story the Globe would tell about her is a Brave Last Days alert, I'd have to say this is preferable.

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Publication: Globe

Date: 29 August 2011



The dogs in the AMI kennel seem to hate Sarah Palin, though I guess their "animosity" is largely due to having a bunch of sources coming out of the woodwork to blab about the former half-term governor. This week it's a cocaine scandal. She is supposed to be outraged about a bombshell report, and they show a picture of the place where she was seen snorting.



This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

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